r/death

I am a clinical psychology doctoral student at the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology whose research focuses on suicide bereavement. As part of my dissertation, I am conducting a study to better understand the relationship between rumination (repetitive and continuous thinking) and suicide loss to ultimately inform support for this population.
Below is the information for the study. Of note, my specific study on suicide loss is within a larger study conducted by my mentor to better understand the support needs for people bereaved by any cause, as well as caregivers.

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We are seeking individuals who are caregiving for someone with a life-limiting illness and those who have experienced a significant loss to participate in a research study through Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology. The purpose of the study is to develop a questionnaire to identify those who may be in need of caregiver or grief support in order to ultimately improve family-centered care in hospitals and clinics.

For caregivers and bereaved individuals who would like to contribute to our understanding of caregiving and bereavement, this is a way to make a difference.

If you would like to participate in our study, please fill out this confidential screener at https://yeshiva.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_dnJtxZtLyqmIglg

to determine if you are eligible. Participation in the study involves completing a survey that will take approximately 30-40 minutes. You will also be given the option to be contacted for two additional follow-up surveys. After completing each survey, you will be entered into a raffle for a chance to receive a gift card.

For more details, you can contact:

Grief, Loss and Meaning Research Lab at drrobertslab@gmail.com

How does one go on w/ being deserving of life when they didn't stop to save another human from dying?

Especially, your own friend!

Jennifer was in/ out of my life for 6 years! Always smiled when she saw me, warmest hugs, sparkling eyes, listened, genuinely liked me & was genuinely a great person!

She went to rehab in South Florida, was almost finished. Had an apartment lined up to move in to with her 12 year old son!

In February, 1 week before Valentine's Day, we had lunch in Longwood while she was visiting her mom/son for 2 days! The last phase of rehab allows time out of facility!

I had tears of excitement when I saw how incredible she looked! Clear skin, modern hair cut, cute outfit, New purse, nails done..had never seen her put together nicely & clean before! Her presence made me want to be better in every way possible to be a positive support!

As she talks about her boyfriend cheating on her while staying at a hotel in South Florida to visit her, she pulls out travel sized vodka shooters! Drank 5!

I asked her if she was allowed to do that. She said it was fine since she would test negative for alcohol by time her visit here ended!

Her therapist zoom called her from the restaurant & she pulled off being sober enough!

Within 30 mins, she was drunk!

I was very disappointed bc I knew her son was waiting on their new life to start!

After I Got home, she began leaving drunken voicemails. Then emails, texts & wouldn't stop!

First the voicemails were elated, happy incoherent drunk. Didn't think twice about not accepting the call!

Then they turned to obsessive over her boyfriend cheating!

I stopped listening to her voicemails, then all contact stopped.

While cleaning my sons room last week, I began thinking about her little boy again.

Then it hit me, she was no longer alive. Just felt it.

I contacted all her friends on FB. Nobody knew anything.

Rehab wouldn't share her info with me!

Finally, found her Mom's # off Spoken online.

She sent me the funeral arrangements!

I absolutely can not stop dwelling about how I didn't take her last desperate, drunken calls!

Each day feels gloomy & I am constantly worried about everyone or anyone I suddenly meet now!

Nothing feels forever & I can't believe I did her like that, all bc I didn't want to talk to her while drunk

I’d love to do it all, dressing, casketing, wheeled to the church the whole thing. Everything but embalming fluid in the neck please. Anything else I’m so game. Very serious too. Anyone else ever wanted to lay in state?

I used to be so afraid as a kid. I needed proof that there was an afterlife, that my passed on friends and family are okay, what happens, etc.

I went through cancer twice. I became familiar with death. I stopped fearing it. I embraced that I may lose my fight.

But I didn’t.

And now? Man. Things are rough. Everything’s too expensive. People are so hostile. Death is a comforting thought. It’s such an inevitability that it’s guaranteed. No more pain. No more suffering. No more paranoia. No more bills, taxes, paperwork, all of it.

Everything I do is meaningless in the end, and that brings me comfort. All of my fuck ups, my missteps, my mistakes… gone. This is a comforting finality that I have as the only stable guarantee in my life.

Back when I was a kid I went to visit family in the country my percents where from thing is I knew little of the language spoken there so I refrained speaking much my sister did know the language so she got closer to them and then and before we went back home an extended family member died ( I don’t remember their relation to me in terms of blood) and we went to their funeral and to me it didn’t matter I didn’t know their name I didn’t know what they were like I was just clam and then I looked at my father’s and sister’s faces and I could tell it affected them but I still didn’t feel anything about it all I thought was “oh that’s unfortunate” so have you felt this way

Unrelated

This Is the first time I have interacted with a subreddit this way

Does anyone on here believe there’s signs of death? I’m not talking about physical like of the person who’s dying per se. For example, my Aunt told me 5 months ago that she felt done with life, that she felt lonely. Around 2 months ago she had me spend the night with her and at the end of the night she cried in my arms saying she loved me and talked to me about her will. 3 days ago she passed unexpectedly (not self inflicted and not of a illness.) Less than a month before my Mamaw passed she also talked about how when she gets old that she wanted me and my cousin to take care of her and not send her to a nursing home and also talked about her will. I’m wondering if there’s some connection? Like subconsciously they knew? Maybe I’m just grieving but I need to know others opinions.

Idk if this is the right sub for this, but I’m really curious. My mom died last week, she was found face down in her bathtub. She had been there for about a day (Still waiting on the autopsy)I talked to the coroner but she was weary to give me details. They also are advising against me seeing her body, which is probably for the best. I guess water speeds up the decomposition process.

I can’t stop thinking about it though. What happens to a body that has been sitting in water?? What happens to their face and skin?? Anything everything I really really need to know. I don’t know what to do or think.

I have noticed over the last couple months, the reality/ability of sticking a gun in my mouth and HOPING TO blow my head off is truly become more and more of a real thing.

I find it harder and harder to come back to my false reality that all is well.

I try, daily, with my wife to get her to understand, even begging her to help me understand, and it truly is getting, in my mind, so much easier to just put the pistol in my mouth and pull the trigger. Right now, I mean RIGHT FUCKING NOW, it’s two feet away Glock 43X “Ranger T” ammo…

I can’t find solace at work or when away from work. I can’t find solace with my wife, or away from my wife. I have two kids, I hear from them, if I initiate, with a short yes no whatever answer. I hear from them on their own 2-9 months.

What is my motivation to live? If I get berated by my wife, ignored by my kids, disdain for my job… tell me.. what the fuck should stop me from pulling the trigger??

More background: my brother passed (9) me (12); my dad (42) me 15…

I will give all answers an honest assessment. I’m really in a dark place and HONESTLY, couldn’t give two fucks about a light!

Im wondering if anybody has felt this or has any advice.

So I was taught that not only God but your loved ones who have passed away "always watch over you". I think this was supposed to be a comforting thing. But I took it literally.

My step brother (34) just passed away Dec 30th 2024. My step sister (27) passed away over a year ago on Nov 29th 2023.

I was closer with my step brother. Since he has passed away, i feel embarrassed/ashamed to do anything that requires no clothing (changing, showering, going to the bathroom, masturbation, etc.) I feel like both of them are watching me. I know this isn't true, but I feel so dirty do anything that requires my private parts. It's an intrusive thought that happens every single time.

Does anyone have advice for this? It's driving me insane

and just scroll looking at graves of people younger than me? (50). I’d set the year of birth and death on the search settings. Some think it’s odd. Some say it’s like walking a cemetery.

I cannot imagine non existence. I want to become a ghost instead. It won't be much different afterall. Nobody sews me, nobody talks to me. Existence is a curse. All I receive is violence and hatred. Either that or pure ignorance. Two days of fleeting joy bring forth Hurricanes afterwards.

I want to be a rock stranded far away from the shore, taking waves after waves, a home to countless lives.

I want to be an albatross mating with the love of my life, travelling the world on my wings and perishing alongside my mate at the end.

Unmake my human existence and make me a butterfly. I would live only two days. A meaningless life devoid of guilt.

Unmake me and put my soul somewhere else...or end me in one go. Ending everyday for bit by bit is not my thing. Nope.

For context I am in the army and I was away from home to reclass my MOS (army job) in order to get a slot for an upcoming deployment I really wanted to get on. This school was a little over 6 months and I was so ready to go back home, hated AIT the first time I went and hated it just the same the second time I went (it IS TRADOC though so what can you expect). The plan was when I got back home for me to live with my dad until I deployed because there was no point in me renewing/breaking a lease when Im about to deploy overseas in three months. My graduation date finally comes, I get my out process done and I’m so ready to get home. To reiterate I have anticipated this day since I got to this reclass. I wanted it all over with. But as soon as I get in my car and start driving home I had this dreadful feeling come over my body. I felt terribly sad. I vividly remember asking my self “why do I feel sad? I’ve been so excited for this for half a year now”. During my drive I texted my dad letting him know I’m on my way back and will be at his house in a couple of days. Hours later I had stopped at my boyfriend’s house for the day, got some sleep and woke up. No text back from my dad. Weird. He was good at responding so it stuck out to me. Couple hours go by again and still nothing. I started getting stressed but didn’t get in my head too much about it. Not too long after I got the call from my uncle that my father had passed at 56 alone in his home due to an aneurysm. The timing of everything was so coincidental. He passed THE NIGHT I was coming home. And I felt sad even before knowing anything of it. Is this a type of phenomenon? Or just instinct?

My cousin J.R.

The first month you were gone was THE worst month of my life. No questions asked Theres no other moment in my life that was worse. There was no other person i was closer with than you. There was no other person i wanted to be with in that moment than you. I had never gone through a loss like that in my life.

I was terrified. Terrified of a world without you. I couldn’t picture it with you not in it. I didn’t understand fully of what was going on, But yet i was aware you were gone. Aware of the fact i was never going to see you again.

I passed you in age not too long ago. It’s weird because you still feel a year and a half older than me in all the pictures i have of you. The smell of your house still brings me back to every single memory, no matter how many times i smell it, it always brings me back to the best moments and memories i have in my life.

I remember trying to write about you after you passed, but i couldn’t. My mind couldn’t form letters to words. All i was feeling and thinking about was you and how empty my soul felt.

A part of me died along with you. My smile and joy was gone. Gone just like the 17 year old kid in the ground right now.

Im not the same person i was before you passed. Careless of the consequences of my actions- Thoughtless about every decision i made- Not conscious about who i was as a person. Just a 16 year old living, growing up and learning. But a place in my soul died. A place that couldn’t be revived- Or replaced.

I couldn’t fathom the amount of weight i was facing. But as time goes on, i see more clearly. Because my emotions aren’t all tears and sadness- Their acceptance and sadness.

No matter how much i didn’t want my life to move forward- You still stayed close behind in my mind- Never leaving my side. My life started revolving around your death. I would think to myself as if thats when time stopped. Like when Jesus died, and they started counting time? It was the opposite view for me.

During the first week of your death- I was always up in Marble Mount (a town our grandparents had lived). Staying close to family during this awful heart, wrenching reality that i wish for nobody to have to go through. I was either sitting alone in your spot on the couch in your house or sitting silently observing the people around me, and processing the immense weight of the situation i had just been put in.

If i wasn’t doing those things i was trying to hang out with our little cousins. I needed someone to hangout with when i was up there because i was never up there without you to hangout with. Trying to distract myself from everything was why i hung out with them, we played with linking logs, legos, cars, ect. But it never worked, i couldn’t be distracted by what happened to you. I will never forget what happened to you. I will never forget who you were. And will never forget you.

I promise.

I genuinely just don’t like living. I don’t like my current life, but that’s not the reason. I just genuinely don’t like being alive, is that just me?

I’m 18M and for the last 3-4weeks i’ve had a feeling as if i’m going to die very soon and i don’t know what to do about it. I do have very bad health anxiety and it started when i thought i had something wrong with my heart, then a brain tumour. My echocardiogram for my heart and all ecg, blood work came back normal. Same with my CT scan in my head. But something is just telling me im going to die very soon or i’m going to die young and I don’t know what to do. Have you ever experienced this and what did you do to get over it ? Do you know anyone that’s experienced this then did pass away. I’m so lost and don’t know what to do. Is this a sign i’m going to pass away?. Also two owls have started living in a tree in my yard for the past 3 weeks and i’ve read they can be a sign of death. I understand passing away is a normal part of life but i’m scared to die young and leave my partner. I have a tarot card reading and the lady didn’t have much to say except that i’m close with my mum, I think a lot, and that i will be living back in my island country within the next 5 years. But when she read my partners she said she can see her having kids, talking about her family and lots of stuff. I started to think why didn’t she tell me i was going to have kids etc. Sorry for the rant i just feel so lost and scared.

So, I’m 29, and I’ve recently become very aware that, I’m going to one day, die. Obviously.

During the day, I get fleeting thoughts about it, but at night, specifically as I lay down to sleep, I’m consumed by the fact that I won’t be here one day.

I’m fucking fed up of being consumed by this feeling of no control, like I’m on a plane that’s slowly going down.

Every day that goes by, is another day closer to it. Same for years. Oh yay another birthday, fuck off.

I don’t want to decay. To leave my son. My partner.

The supports in my life don’t get it and I can’t blame them for that. But I feel so lonely in how I feel. It’s just a weird feeling and I keep crying and my partner who I wish was a better support, isn’t really.

My girlfriend took her life three days ago. I go to sleep sad I wake up sad and it feels like a crushing weight on my shoulders all the time, I continuously feel like there's something missing from me. How am I supposed to cope with this? I find myself thinking it's partially my fault, maybe I could've done something different, Idk what to do.

Been curious about this ever since I read a book in social studies about a guy using multiple death methods but not dying. (Cyanide was outdated, cliff wasn't big enough etc)

So firearms aren't a fool proof way of dying. But what if you combined things?

-Nitrite poisoning -Handgun -Sit on top of a bridge or high point

If you survive the fall, the bullet can work, if you survive the fall and the bullet doesn't hit the right spot, nitrite poisoning kicks in before they can figure it out to save you. There should be a thing that if you write "Do not keep me alive" if you fail so you don't end up disfigured or a cripple.

It's weird how with animals if they're stressed, not eating, not drinking, and pills don't work that we just put them down. They aren't living a "quality of life". What about people? If the suicidal idealation isn't impulsive and has been a life long struggle, why not allow then to leave peacefully? Always baffled me. I feel bad for the ones still alive that are stuck like that now. Nobody deserves that

Hello,
Good day.

My mom passed away today. Please help me to see her last time. I have been very suicidal and guilty because I cannot afford a flight ticket to see her.

Hey, idk really how to word this because it's my first time openly admitting what's happening, but I'm dying. And I'm not getting better. I'm 15 right now, and my body is slowly deteriorating faster and faster. I can barely walk now and I constantly need a hip brace and I've started to have to use crutches last week. My body's constantly been in pain and slowly feeling worse and worse, but now it's at a rapid decline and it keeps getting worse exponentially.

I'm scared to die. I wanted to be a psychiatrist when I grew up but idk if i'm even going to make it to 16 or 17. My arms have started to feel weaker now too and I don't know how long until it's my whole body.

I'm sorry if that was kind-of a rant, but im terrified. The main stuff I need help with is accepting that I can't stop this, and that I have to let it happen at it's own pace. I also need to figure out how to tell my friends that I might not live much longer.

I'm so scared and I feel lost. The doctors don't know how to help, and they can't figure out what's truly wrong because rhe one doctor that might've known how helped is too old and can barely ask me questions. Any suggestions or tips to help me feel less scared or make it easier to accept what's happening are appreciated.

Again, sorry this is a rant, I have no one else to speak to about this.

U.S

So I'm the morbid sort, I have personally taxidermized each pet I've ever had pass. I have some various bones from curiosity shops, and have always wanted to drop the big bucks on a human skull.

But what about the otherway around? Is there a way I can treat my own (post donation?) Cadaver, like a wrecked 54' Chevy and make a profit by parting it out?

Surely there's a collection of people like my self who would buy- a slice of brain, or a finger bone, or a piece of my intestine, my spleen etc etc, in jars for display!

I mean if I can get $3,000 for my skull alone, or $8,000 for my skeleton if I was "liquidated" quickly. Or someone could part me out an auction me off and take 15% of each sale for their work?

The money would just go to my loved ones. And the morbid ones like me can always take a piece or buy a piece. We could cremate the rest of my goo- and either pass it out or keep it in a urn or w.e.

What I'd like to do is sign a contract with someone before I die, so when I die my loved one just calls them and they take care of everything. I want it set up so smooth that they just get to chill, grieve and get paid.

I kinda have a contract like this in place for my dog- I prepaid for her taxidermy so when she goes, it's as smooth as possible to have her taken care of. Sort of like buying your own grave plot or crematory box. Prepaying for funeral arrangements.

Except I wanna make a morbid profit instead 😅

Sorry for structure, I'm on mobile.

I care for my 90 year old grandmother who is currently in hospice. She has severe late stage dementia and is bed bound. Today was a different kind of day for her, and it was her at home nurse who told me to prepare for her passing soon. I called my close family and let the know. After a few quiet minutes to myself my doorbell rang. It’s very unusual for us to have company drop by (especially at night) and my ring camera didn’t show anyone there. The doorbell has never malfunctioned and I read that this was a sign of impending change. I believe that it was a guarding or ancestor coming to bring my dear sweet grandma home. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, what do you think?