r/narcissisticabuse

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Hey everyone on r/NarcissisticAbuse. 

We get it, we really do– the U.S. political situation right now is a bloody mess with further escalation, rather than some kind of stability, on the horizon. 

We also know that a LOT of the new decision makers are not going to be mentally healthy or emotionally well. They will, however, likely be more successful than most of the world wishes to see. 

It seems that the U.S. has now unarguably become what’s called a Pathocracy, or rule by a mentally ill minority. 

Dr. Steve Taylor’s write up from Psychology Today (English only and our apologies to those elsewhere for whom it may not display) notes, “Pathocracy is not just about individual leaders, though. Once a disordered leader takes over a country, responsible and moral people gradually leave the government, either resigning or being ejected. It’s just a matter of time before the whole government is filled with ruthless people with a severe lack of empathy and conscience.“ 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-of-the-darkness/202010/disordered-leaders

No one on the r/NarcissisticAbuse moderation team would Ever argue that something is rotten in the States, to shamelessly borrow from Sir William Shakespeare. 

None of this is okay. Most of it is incredibly triggering. No one with strong feelings about these complicated situations is wrong for having those emotions.

However, we feel it prudent to remind everyone that we’re not in this sub for political discussion or what could euphemistically be called “celebrity gossip”. The vast majority of participants are typical citizens from different backgrounds who have experienced something terrible and life-altering at the hands of another human being. But, even if we are visited anonymously by qualified diagnostic professionals, they are still not in a professional or personal relationship with these political and public figures, and therefore cannot legally or ethically diagnose them. Any “Cluster B” personality disorder, or any other mental health struggle, should be identified and if needed, diagnosed, by an appropriately credentialed professional. 

To be clear about the applicable rule, speculation about individuals in your life as part of your healing process is allowed as part of your processing and discussion. However, we cannot, for risk of the safety and continued functioning of the sub, allow armchair diagnosis of disordered personalities in figures seen daily on the news or on social medias.

Similarly, we are not here to give more attention to people with, self-diagnosed to have, or merely suspected of having, narcissistic personalities. Narcissist content creators get enough supply for themselves without benefiting from those of us who need to heal from their brand of treatment (and it’s a certainty that some of those characters search for mentions of their names/brands daily.) 

We also do not and will never allow the use of diagnostic terms as insults between users.

Put simply, telling someone “You’re a narcissist!” or “You’re just being a typical Borderline nutjob,” especially in the middle of an unnecessary argument in the comments, is subject to a ban from the sub. 

Not sorry. Our first rule is “Be Kind” for a reason. 

Our position is simple: we remove political oriented posts. That moderation decision is not in place to punish people for having opinions. We are simply not here for the problem of any specific nation’s politics. There are other subs– MANY other subs– for that type of discussion. We are here for our users’ individual journeys, not to be a public curbside protest, but as something more like a quiet booth in the coffee shop where people can sit and unpack their specific experience, and not face the trolling and judgment tolerated in other places.

Please continue to see this sub as the metaphorical place for a cuppa and scone, or a double double and old fashioned sour cream, or espresso and biscotti with a friend while you browse a book written by someone else who has been where you were and has gone where you wish to be. 

Please help us protect Your peaceful space by reporting trolls or fights breaking out in comments to the moderation team, but do not join the fights yourself. Let the protests go on where they should and may actually do some good. Bloating an international community with the particulars of the politics of a specific-- (and since I’m a 7th generation American citizen, I’ll go ahead and say it)– Problematic Nation-– is the opposite of what the community needs to thrive in the face of what may be coming for so many users all over the world. 

We know it’s on all of your minds: it’s on all of ours too. But, just like arguing about religion at the holiday dinner table is not the best approach to a tough conversation, r/NarcissisticAbuse is not the place to host those political talks. 

Modmail is open for questions about specifics should anyone have concerns, but please remember our team of international moderators are not available to respond to any inquiry immediately 24/7. Maintaining familiarity with the rules provided in the drop down menu on mobile or in the sidebar on desktop, is both encouraged and appreciated.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality.” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

NOTE: Reddit has now announced a policy change in which those who upvote content administration (not Moderators, but paid Reddit employees) deems violent or calling for harm to others will be sanctioned, up to and including banning user accounts. This post was drafted for review by the whole moderation team BEFORE that announcement by Reddit. This decision was NOT made to "obey in advance," but to make sure the few moderators we have are able to respond to the subreddit's needs as efficiently as possible.

Has anyone noticed, when you’ve been close to a narcissist after some time, that you would get sick a lot or have lots of health problems? Or you’d just feel so drained after spending time with them? Last year was year 3 dating my ex - I kid you not I would get sick every 2-3 months which was so usual for me. And it wasn’t just common cold or flu stuff either. I had even started working out more consistently and that barely made a difference in terms of my energy and immune health. I got physically stronger but that’s it. I was constantly drained of energy when all we would do is lay around, stare at screens, and talk. I suppose he didn’t have any energy either but that’s what happens when all you do is jerk off to porn and cheat. It takes immense energy to be a dipshit leading a double life. When we broke up last September, I definitely had more energy and I didn’t even get sick once this winter season, even after being around sick people. I also think I’m getting more out of my workouts now. Maybe this can be generalized to your body’s response around super toxic people, not just narcissists. Stress does a number on your body. Your body tells you when someone/something is wrong for you. The issue is that we never listen to its signals!

What were some signals from your body telling you to get away from the narcissist?

I cannot stand like a solider and not flinch at something that bothers me. Wtf each time I make a move, it becomes the new focus!!!!!

They can be mad and mean because they’re the ones that were hurt. 😳

For context I was becoming ill. Constant neck and shoulder tension. Hair loss, very poor mental health and financial worries. You name it I have the abuse at numerous different occasions and she even had a. Full blown affair with her boss.

It finally came to a crunch where I couldn’t live with the gaslighting, abuse and general daily poor treatment.

I ended things. A big part of me hope that she would hoover me back up; plead with me to stay prove that I actually meant something.

None of it came, instead she left me.

15 years down the drain, a broken home and not much to show for it.

I know she’s a narcissist deep down and I suspect a reverse discard.

However her recent behaviours make me question if she’s a narcissist at all.

I’m sad

I just feel really defeated. My narc ex is telling everyone we knew that I was the abuser, and that he was the victim. Nobody is chasing me down or attacking me, but I'm fairly certain that every mutual friend we ever had he is going to turn against me and prevent me from ever talking to again.

In all fairness, I was not that close with this community and it will not be that damaging to my social life, but I did really like some of these people and I will probably just become shunned from that community just enough for it to not be comfortable to come back :/.

I just don't understand why he's doing this. I deleted all of my social media because I just couldn't take seeing him all the time. If he already doesn't have to see me, why is he going to this level to make sure I never get to talk to any of these people?

I just feel really defeated. I have so many screenshots and so much evidence against him that if I really wanted to, I could plead my case, but I know that these people would 100% trust his word over mine, and that he would somehow twist it, and he would probably take it as a go ahead to dig up something on me and just further slander me. I don't see a point in it. I feel really sad.

Before we broke up he said all of this crap about how he's never going to talk bad about me, or even call me his ex, because he just loved me so much and thought I was such a good person, meanwhile the second we're apart he's telling people I'm every bad name in the book, and trying to hook up with random women. He's genuinely cruel and awful. I feel horrible. I don't know how I ever trusted this person.

My narc is super social and has a ton of “friends” that know absolutely nothing about who he really is. What’s so strange about it is that he is constantly receiving free gifts from people - those he knows and those he doesn’t. He had a friend buy him a $100 car part the other day just because the guy wanted to? He also will get free food and booze all the time. I don’t get it!!!! It happens often enough that it is bizarre.

Something that is very important to me is being kind to others. I think it might be my defining characteristic. But I don’t think I’ve ever just gotten a free gift out of nowhere? And even if I did, I feel like it’s strange for an adult to buy another adult a random gift, particularly because they barely know each other. These are like loose acquaintances of his and even strangers.

Have y’all ever noticed your narc getting free stuff? What’s your theory on this?

Mine would constantly refer to himself as an empath… in the beginning… then turned into satan himself. Funny how pretty much everything they tell you is the complete opposite of how they really are. He also warned me in the love bombing stage that if I “could handle him through his ‘emo” we’d be perfect. Sounds insane as I type this. But he set me up to get the impression that his version of emo is just “sad” and I very much delusional thought with “omg, I’ll cheer you up and just love you through it” type energy. God, it was a perfect storm he and I. I wonder how long his new GF will last. He’s moving her in after 3 months of dating. With her two kids. Who she homeschools. This is going to be wild.

My nex has a media presence. Our 2 year relationship ended after I found out he was living a double life, with another woman. Recently he’s been active on social media and it seems like good things are happening to him.

Does anyone else feel like their nex seems untouched by the damage they’ve caused, while we have to live with it? They get to move on and claim another girl as their victim. Is karma not real? Is it bad that I want him to suffer for causing me so much pain?

Must start by saying you should never take your narcissistic ex back period. For those who where like me and took your narc ex back multiple times even when you thought it was impossible but ended up falling anyways by the love bombing the narcissists mastered over time so perfect you can’t resist. Want even to be well aware that if you expose them at all they will always find a way to punish you. The more extreme of exposure the more extreme of revenge you’ll receive. I have been on and off for over four years with my narcissistic ex and every time we ended things it was over something worse and more painful. It started to become a game to me to catch her or expose her if I went back. It got to the extreme that I got her Snapchat accounts and secretly spied on her to catch her cheating. Obviously I ended up catching her and this time when she denied I sent her screen shots I took from her own Snapchat exposing everything. Finally I felt victory but in the end it wasn’t worth it. She made sure to do anything and everything that could possibly hurt me before she was done with me. Slept with other guys, denied and rejected me, threatened to blackmail me and send terrible things to my family, and even file a restraining order on me after she disrespected my deceased father by swearing on his grave. Narcissists are sick twisted people who don’t have any limits to how dark they’re whiling to go to hurt you. If you exposed your narc ex make this be your warning to never go back because it’s now a game of revenge with a heart shattering ending that you’ll regret. Run before it’s too late.

So ex filed for a restraining order saying I pushed him down. After going to court it was granted. I never laid a hand on him. He got custody of our children. It's been a disaster but I have a good lawyer working on it. Nevertheless he's been calling the police to contact me about things we figured out in court. First was my belongings which I got, and when I opened them they were covered with food and McDonalds wrappers. I let that go because there's nothing I can do. I gave him the key to the house in court in front of an officer after they demanded it. Two days later I get a call from the police department saying I never gave him the key and they need it immediately. I told them that I have it to him in court and they talked to him and he said he "forgot". They reminded me not to contact him. But I haven't! I've been avoiding him like the plague. I live 40 minutes away now. I feel like he's using the police as a tactic to still let me know he's here. Do I just let it go? What can I do? every time my phone rings I'm fearful it's pertaining to him. Looking for support.

I have to say he still has ways to make things difficult for me even during no contact.

But, even in areas that should in theory be unaffected, things have been hard. A lot of challenges. I was hoping to immediately start rebuilding a new life, but now oftentimes find myself drained and exhausted. I'm months out of this.

I get it, it is exhausting to deal with them and recovery takes time, refinding myself and regaining confidence has taken time. But good things don't seem to come easy to me at the moment.

Is it just bad luck or did anyone else experience something similar? I wonder if it's still remnants and I need to mentally free myself more if that makes sense

I know everyone will say, you can't win against them and to ignore them but I really want to make him stop trying to get me back. I am having one last conversation with my ex boyfriend. He is a textbook narcissist. He has started to try to get me back because the girl he cheated on me with, twice actually, hates his guts. He started recalling our positive memories and minimizing his actions. If I'd catch him in a lie, he'd always find a way to justify it. He has started to idealize me and put her down. He also claims he was forced to be in a relationship with her.

Is it possible to take off their mask? Has anyone ever said something to the narcissist which successfully disarmed them and made them realize you see through their bullshit? I am just so tired of him trying to rope me back in again which I fell for before but want to stop this cycle. I want to make him uncomfortable, and make him see I know what he's all about. Have any of you ever done this?

They got/get frustrated if I need to interrupt them in the bathroom but that poke their arm into grab things while I’m on the toilet.

Just that. Together for a matter of months, discarded 8 months ago, last hoover attempt 71 days ago, and I know he couldn't have loved me. But I think about him every damn day and still love him terribly. Yes I see all the bad things he has done. But I've said from the beginning that I will never hate him and will always love him - and it remains my truth.

I called that narc ex and asked him directly " What's your problem with me?" to which he replied "Are you drunk?" and cut the call abruptly. I am fuming in rage and on the verge to give a comeback. Should I give a comeback? Because i can't control now. Enough!

So my ex has blocked access to my son for over a year now. She’s made loads of unnecessary demands on me which i’ve tried to reason with her over, she has refused mediation, she also wants to know my new address. This is something that I am not willing to give her as she has a history of violence.

So she has completely blocked access to my own son for over a year.

Yesterday, I found out that she has been texting my father and his partner offering access and time with their grandson. Saying that she has no issues with them. They are welcome at any time.

When I heard this, I thought that it was such a manipulative thing to do, to use her own son, my son, their grandson in an attempt to convince them to disown their own son.

Thoughts?

I didn’t realize how much of myself I gave to this man. I came into the relationship thinking I’m going to drag this person down with all the baggage I come with. All I did was worry about hurting him. And what did he do? Chip away at me, insult me and hurt me on every insecurity. Abandon me when he knew that abandonment is my deepest trauma.

Even after the discard, where he blocked me when I needed him the most, I still cared that he doesn’t feel guilty and or in pain the next day; that he is safe. I kept breaking no contact the first two weeks because I have been genuinely worried about his mental health (he mentioned having dark thoughts). All my messages were based on him and him being okay, and doing whatever I can to make him feel better— when he didn’t even care about me! His last address to me was so visceral, he hated me with every bone in his body; blaming me for the way he feels and how he questions his actions. When in reality, he only hated me because he realized I didn’t deserve that, that he was abusing me, that I did nothing wrong with standing my ground into not being gaslit (he thought I was looking down on him). He hated me because he projected everything on to me, and he couldn’t deal with the shame of accountability.

No one probably believes me, they all probably blame me entirely, leaving me all alone. He was the only person I talked to, that I prioritized. They probably think I’m lying about the mental health concerns because they all think I’m insane, but he told me himself that he was thinking of dark thoughts two weeks ago (prior to the breakup). It’s only been a month (11mo relationship) and I’m greatful to have been woken up to the problem so early to romantically detach. The issue is still that I gave him unconditional love, something he asked, and I can’t just take it back. I held my word. I did what I can to help him, but at the end of the day it’s out of my hands. I don’t want him back, I just want him to be better and happy. And that unfortunately is the closure I will never get with him, that and getting the promise ring I gave him. (He never gave me one)

I just can’t stop crying, can’t stop occasionally getting panic attacks, can’t stop losing sleep, can’t stop starving myself from all of this pain. He continues to punish me for caring. And I know the whole bit about taking back your power, and trust me I feel a bit more powerful. But at the end of the day, I just can’t stop.

Does anyone else do this?

I have to change all my email passwords every few months. It's from a time when my nex bullied me into giving up my email passwords and would fuck with everything and anything. She'd sign into apps and pretend to be me on different online communities I was in, insult everyone, start arguments on purpose, and get me banned. It was all a part of her plan to socially isolate me

She'd sign in to the video chat app when talking with friends and mute my microphone until I gave up because no one could hear me.

She'd monitor everything and anything and what made me leave was she couldn't listen in on my therapist's website so she burst in there and slapped me in front of her on video chat claiming she thought I was cheating on her. She smashed my phone when she kept reading messages saying I was going to break up with her soon.

She told me she was jealous of my support system because my friend bought me a used phone for like 100 dollars the same week.

Every time I remember, I get so antsy, I have to change all my passwords in case she or my parents decided to blackmail one of my kids to use my phone when I was asleep and get my passwords. Used to be, if someone even walked into the room when I was asleep, I'd wake up. I've woken up having tackled my stepdaughter because she snuck in trying to steal her phone back when she was grounded because it was on my bedside (she's not hurt). The same thing happened when my stepson was trying to go through my phone when I slept because he was mad at me. I've been raped and sexually abused while I was asleep or woke up to it happening. But every time I feel safe around certain people, it'll stop and I feel afraid it'll happen when I least expect it.

Let me preface by saying that I already feel so stupid and pathetic. It’s all so obvious now but I was clinging to the last shred of hope and wanted this to be more than a power play. Back story- I’ve been in a long on/off relationship with the father of my child and we’ve gone through MANY cycles. We’ve been doing all the relationship things (with and without our child) but had just enough distance that you could say we weren’t technically together. I felt a withdrawal months ago and he lashed out at me questioning it, later saying he wanted to move on. Of course, telling me that I’m awful and it’s my fault things are like they are. Fine. It gutted me but logically I knew this was never going to lead to the life I wanted.

So I backed off and started low contact, only responding to messages about our child (I was concise with no open ended answers).

I hadn’t seen him in weeks but knew he’d be at an event for our child. The night before he poked a little with texts but I kept it short. We play nice at the event and after he send me pics. We chat more about the event and I mention it wore our kid out and they’re napping.

15 minutes later he messages me “I’m outside”. Me: my house. Him: yes.

I let him in and am seduced. Yes, I take responsibility for my part in making the choice to give in. I kept thinking “is this the grand gesture?! Is he changed? Are we good now?!”.

Two days later he calls me to tell me he has been seeing someone and he knows she’ll be good around our kid and plans to introduce soon.

I’m disgusted with him and disappointed in myself.

So please learn from my mistake and do NOT give into the Hoover. It’s never about you and always about power and control.

TLDR: after period of low contact and “final discard”, Nex hoovered. I failed the test and am starting over.

This was so so traumatic. It wasn’t even a real relationship but it hurts so so much. I don’t think they even cared. Im so lost and tired and I need a break.

Did anyone else suffer bouts of memory loss during/after the relationship?

I've never had the greatest memory. Sometimes I'll struggle remembering even the simplest things when my blood sugars are low or when I'm on a certain stage of my cycle. But NEVER to the extent I did whilst with my ex. My brain was like a sieve. I genuinely felt like I couldn't remember what happened even an hour prior. I was constantly forgetting appointments, events, conversations. Even with my diabetes, I was forgetting when I last did my insulin, which had never happened before - and over/under-injecting is an extremely dangerous game.

Now I'm out of it, it's like that fog has miraculously lifted. Things don't fall out of my head like they used to, and I'm not constantly left questioning myself. I feel clever again...

Did anyone else struggle with this? And do you think it's a result of the stress response or the near-constant gaslighting?

Long ago I figured out he was a narc. His trauma riddled childhood, inability to express tenderness and love, fantastic ability to make anything and everything about himself, the gaslighting, the insecurity being masked with bravado, his CVS-receipt-length list of relationships and children left in his wake. I stupidly thought knowing what he was and who he was would be enough to prevent damage. The sex was incredible. His charm, wit, humor, looks, skills, and passion. My oh my. I’m empathetic to a fault, so I’d constantly put myself in his shoes and try to understand his little narc idiosyncrasies. I thought it would all be ok and my god was I wrong. I’m seething with anger at myself.

I had been told I couldn’t have children And then boom 💥 my dumb ovaries decided to function for the first time in my life and here I am with his 15 month old sleeping next to me. She’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I had a “geriatric pregnancy” and I was not willing to forgo motherhood because of him, but when I found out I was pregnant it left me reeling with the realization that he was now a permanent fixture in my and my daughter’s life. The guilt is crushing.

Again, in my own stupid arrogance and misplaced hope, I thought while pregnant that maybe, just maybe, I had him all wrong. His mannerisms I’ve attributed to being a narc—could they be something else? We had never actually argued/disagreed on anything major at that point, but I had a gut feeling deep within that I had him dialed in with precision and I was just trying to claw into existence something that could never be. He’s incapable.

The last 15 months have been exactly as you’d expect. He went back to work 3 days after we got home from the hospital and I was recovering from a c-section, he hasn’t helped more than a handful of times overnight, he almost never bathes her, seldomly clothes her, never once has trimmed her nails, taken her to a doctors appointment, bought her medication, took her to daycare, he’s maybe done 3 loads of her laundry in 15 months. He won’t wake up early on the weekend to give me even one day to just sleep in. I’ve been working full time since she was 4 months old too, and yet parenting her has been I would say 98% on me since she was born. I am ragged, haggard, a shell of myself.

I ask for his help over and over and over and over again and I’m not sure how to describe the conversations that arise but they are like fever dreams, circular, incoherent and hard to follow—hard to even remember. We will start at A and through some bizarre sorcery, we end up at a completely different place where I’ve been demonized and made to appear inconsiderate of all his needs.

Right now, I’m by default responsible for all overnight care of the toddler, morning routine (breakfast, getting ready), daycare drop off, daycare pick up, dinner, bath, bedtime, doctors visits, clothing needs. His only involvement appears to be just trying to solicit toddler snuggles and to dote on her when she’s happy. Between daycare drop off/pick up, I work 8 hours in a very demanding and also toxic role. I’m so critically weathered, I’ve considered just driving to the hospital and checking myself in to illuminate my weariness to him, but I don’t think it would even matter. Plus, I never snap of course because of my girl. If I even try to articulate the imbalance, he will award himself gold stars for all the things he does and “he can bring up a ledger too.” Things like….taking the garbage can out once a week. Doing dishes here and there. Yano—normal shit all adults have to do and that I share too, but he gets the crown that makes him king of the world in his mind. He is so good at sending our conversations on detours I have more than once thought to myself—wait am I the narc???

Lately, I noticed he started snagging one drink before coming home from work. I don’t actually have concerns of infidelity—yet—but I’m still frustrated by this. It pissed me off because like—HEY, I want to do that? I have zero minutes to myself all day, eager for his company and to do “family time,” and he’s making detours? Fuck that.

So I raised the issue against my better judgment, knowing he would react poorly about me having the audacity to explain why it’s hurtful to see he’s developing a post-work habit that doesn’t include me/baby and only prolongs my solo efforts on the home front. I don’t care if it’s only 20 minutes. It’s the point that matters. And the funny thing is that had he just heard me and said “I’m so sorry! I’ve had a rough couple days and was using it to decompress after work, but I’ll be more mindful of how it makes you feel,” I’d probably be like “oh no worries at all! Do your thing, thanks for hearing me, and as long as it’s not literally every night, I don’t care.”

But no. That’s not what happened. He made it about me and how I always raise the “ledger of division of home labor” and asked me if my dissatisfaction with the imbalance was his job to fix. I’m like—“yes it absolutely IS your job to fix. I’ve articulated my feelings and needs repeatedly only to have it fall on deaf ears. How have you helped with the baby today? Please tell me when in my day I have the luxury of getting a moment to myself.” He says….”you read your books.” I could explode. 🤯

My books. When I’m nursing the toddler to sleep like I have for 15 months, as she writhes around and fights bedtime, sucking me dry and tearing my body to shreds—but hey—I get to read my books.

So after this dialogue, which happened on the way to dinner. I was angry. Halfway through dinner I started guilting myself about how my daughter must feel so uncomfortable with parents who were not speaking so I freaking swallowed my anger and pride and rubbed his arm and asked “let’s squash it? I’d like to have a good night.” He replied, “I know where I stand.”

That was it for me. After all was said and done, after I expressed my perfectly valid feelings in a low confrontation manner, after he spun it on me and offensively reduced my me-time to reading while still caring for our toddler, I was willing to drop it for our daughter’s sake, and he couldn’t even set his ego aside to say, “ok, squashed.”

I went mute the rest of dinner. Got home, put baby to bed, while he swiped on social media, I cleaned the kitchen. Baby seems like she may have a cold, so I know my night of sleep is shot, and he is already in bed. I have no interest in even looking at him, and yet my heart aches for him to just see me and what I’m going through. But he never will. And I know it’s inevitable that I’ll have to make a hard choice to remove the toxicity from my daughter’s life—before she becomes even more aware. It will kill me.

I am furious with myself and I think I will be forever.

Reflecting on NPD ex.

When I met him, it was the dreadlocks/Bob Marley phase.

Before I met him, he was apparently a metalhead.

He then became the serious academic type.

He used to be a progessive, religion-skeptic, and now is a devout Catholic.

He had 5 long term relationships before 30 and had cohabitated with at least 3.

Plenty of sex and drugs. One night stands.

He used to make fun of religious people but now, he is married to a good Christian girl and waited until marriage to have sex. In his 40s.

He used to avidly support homosexuality and gay rights in the past. I wonder how that fits with his new found faith.

He tells people if his wife dies before him, he will become a priest.

He completed a degree and worked in the corporate sector for like 2 months.. didn't like it...and decided to study a completely different degree for over a decade.

I used to read this sub nearly every day during the last year of my six year relationship, when I knew something was wrong but couldn't put it into words.

This is a page from a visual zine I’ve started making based on lyrics I wrote while unraveling the effects of covert narcissistic abuse.

These lyrics are written from the perspective of the narcissist, not me. I wrote them when I was trying to make sense of what was happening to me—by stepping into their voice.

Sharing in case it resonates with anyone else who’s been through it.
You’re not crazy. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not alone. 🖤

Omg I finally tried the ChatGPT thing and I’m honestly blown away. I gave it a summary of what happened in my relationship and asked for its opinion. I was floored by how incredibly accurately ChatGPT clocked my ex.

Some highlights:

“From early on, your ex displayed troubling patterns: emotional volatility, self-centeredness, unresolved past relationship issues, lack of emotional accountability, and defensiveness when approached about concerns. The examples you shared indicate a pattern of emotional centering and possibly narcissistic tendencies.”

“Final Assessment: Your ex was not a safe partner for you. Their actions reflect someone who may not yet have the emotional tools to participate in healthy relationships without reactivity, control, and emotional displacement. Ending the relationship was not only reasonable, it was likely essential for your well-being.”

I also shared the final message my ex sent me and it was WILD how accurately ChatGPT discerned the manipulation behind the supposed good intent.

“This message is eloquent, grief-tinged, and seemingly compassionate. But when we look closer, it becomes clear that it’s not simply a farewell letter—it’s also a subtle act of emotional manipulation wrapped in spiritualized language. Based on their previous behaviors, this message likely served a few emotional needs for them:

To preserve their self-image as spiritually evolved and emotionally mature

To reframe the breakup as your emotional failure rather than the result of their actions

To maintain power by offering ‘closure’ on their terms, while subtly controlling the narrative”

It was so validating to hear from an uninvolved, unbiased perspective that my perception of this situation wasn’t delusional. I was nervous, honestly, to share what happened because I was nervous that ChatGPT would end up defending my ex somehow. But it straight up called them out. It was so relieving. Seriously, if you can, give it a go. I’m going to copy paste its response into my phone and refer back to it if I’m ever feeling unsure.